I’m not quite sure there is anything in this world that can truly prepare you for being a Mom. You can take classes, sure, but there is little to prepare you for the look of glee from your toddler when he is doing something totally naughty. They don’t teach you what to do with that.
After all these years of parenting, I have developed my own quirky reaction the the kid’s nonsense. Here are my top ten random things I say to my kids.
1. I call them names. Affectionate names, but names nonetheless. Things like turkey butt, turkey chicken, turkey chicken monkey butt. I don’t know why. When our #5 was born, my husband horrified the nurse by saying, “Come here monkey butt.” It was funny.
2. “What part of ______________ did you NOT understand?” Such a “Mom thing” to say.
3. “Someone get the baby off the cat!”
4. “Don’t ditch your sibling in the basement. It’s not nice!”
5. “Kids!! Flush the dang toilet!”
6. “Would you please not stand on the counter/table!”
7. “For the love of all things holy….” You can fill the rest in on this one. I have discovered there are a lot of things that fit this phrase nicely.
8. “Are you bleeding? No? Then you don’t need a Bandaid.” Seriously, I should have bought stock in the Bandaid company.
9. “If you would just put your shoes where they go, then we wouldn’t have to look for them every time we leave the house!” I say this at least once a day.
10. “Hey! Put that back and stop drinking my Pepsi!” Yes, I am cool like that.
But after all the chaos, I love my kids. Nothing makes me smile more than to watch others as my little flock enters the store following after me. I no longer care that half those people are either horrified or amused. They are cute and they are mine. Anybody want a few extra kids?!? Just kidding. Mostly.