posted by Stacey on children, morning

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Good morning. It’s Monday.

Mr. Baby woke me at 1 a.m. for no good reason. But he was crying so I gave him a sippy cup. Miss E woke me at 5:30 because she was scared. Mr. M woke me at 6:20 because the kitten was playing with his toes. I’m still not sure what I was supposed to do about that. And Mr. Baby woke me at 6:45 because he wanted to play.

But I am awake. And now I get to go torture everyone who isn’t already awake by waking them up. I predict I will hear the following moans: “But it’s soooo early.” “It’s morning already?” “I’m too tired to get up.”

Join the club kiddos. Join. The. Club.

But here I sit, sucking down a protein shake, trying to think of all the things of import that I could write about today. This is what I have come up with:

a. My nose is stuffy.

R. My children, regardless of the fact that there is an organized and appropriate place to store their shoes, leave them all over the house. I predict there will be gnashing of teeth this morning as they discover they can’t “find” their shoes. (The quotation marks are because I believe all children have blind spots in their field of vision when it comes to locating shoes, socks and any other items of import.)

22. I love Mr. Baby, but I am seriously considering a revolutionary tool to cut down on all the screaming. Primarily, a dog shock collar.

W. There are spiders all over my house. Not real ones. Nope. Spiders of the plastic variety. I’m really very happy about it.

B. My sister and I know how to rock a Friday night. Step 1: Pile 13 kids into the van. Step 2: Have the children commence screaming and/or fighting. Step 3: Blast the 5 little monkeys song, rock and roll style. Yeah, baby.

4. I am trying to discover why all children 7 and under feel the need to do the grab, stare at me with watery eyes and require me to plead with them to go to the bathroom. Why can’t they just go?

T. Mr. Baby will grow up to be a nudist, of that, I am quite certain.

X. It is virtually impossible to keep my kitchen clean for more than 5 minutes. Especially if anyone eats. Mr. Baby feels the need to chuck any food he deems unacceptable, which at this point is anything edible.

45. I always wonder when the pediatrician asks if my toddler is eating well what he expects to hear. “Yes, Mr. Dr. Sir. My toddler eats three well-balanced meals each day. He loves fruits and vegetables too.” Instead, because I am honest and pretty awesome, I say, “He eats like a toddler. Some days, he eats hot dogs all day. Some days, he eats apples, sucks on it, spits it back out and hands it to me until the whole apple is gone. That counts as fruit, though, right?”

J. Cold cereal is totally a well-balanced meal.

7. My eldest is my pickiest lunch eater. Dang kid.

92. The best thing I heard all weekend came from my sister-in-law. She was telling me about how her oldest wants to know everyone’s first and middle names, so after he got through siblings and wanted to know his Mom’s middle name. She told him it was “Awesome”. So now, when he lists the people in his family, when he gets to his mom he says, “Mommy Awesome.” See, that’s why we have kids, so we can teach them funny stuff.

There you have it. You can now go on with your day all fulfilled and crap because I have enlightened you about very important information. Have a fantabulous Monday and just remember, tomorrow is Tuesday.

Tags: humor, Monday