The Mom Olympics
I’m not gonna lie. I have addled my brain with the Olympics since they began last week. But I realized something, they are missing the most grueling event of all; the Mop with your children event.
I know, I know. It’s not a thing, but it totally should be. And this is how it would go: (The following is best read with the best game show announcers voice you can muster.)
Welcome to the main event of the day. We have for you the Mop the Floor with Your Children event. In Kitchen One we have team Stacey and the Sassy Seven, and in Kitchen Two we have Lori and the Lippy Lions. Bob, what can you tell us about our teams?
Well, Dan, Stacey has an obvious disadvantage with such a large team. It will either make her or break her. But Lori has the Twins of Terror, which evens the playing field a bit.
So true Bob. I think we will have quite the match. The rules are that each woman has to sweep and mop the floor in an hour or less, but the first to complete the task wins the Gold.
That seems like a very long time to complete the event, but we have seen in the past that this particular event is quite grueling and can actually take a bit longer.
That is so true Bob, so true. Let’s check out the competitors as they prepare for the event. Stacey and the Sassy Seven aren’t looking very strong as they are mostly arguing on the sideline. The Teenage Tower is giving a lot of Sass and they haven’t even gotten off the starting line.
Yes, but look at Lori’s Twins of Terror. They are beating each other with toy cars.
Well, they won’t have to wait much longer. And there’s the starting whistle! They are off! Lori manages to immediately distract the twins and gets to work sweeping. But look at Stacey! She has put the Sassy Seven to work. This is where the big team could really come in handy. Oh, but here comes the Toddler Tornado. He is crumbling up a cracker onto the floor making more work for Stacey.
Check out Kitchen Two. Lori’s twins have taken their cars and begun racing them across the kitchen floor and have destroyed the neatly swept piles. Lori will have to start again! But not before kicking the twins out of the kitchen. Keeping them occupied will be her greatest challenge.
In Kitchen One, Stacey has successfully removed the chairs and has gotten out the kitchen vacuum and is quickly racing ahead. The children are mostly ignoring her. No, wait, the Tornado is pulling hair and two of the girls are crying! She is going to have to deal with that.
As Stacey deals with the hair puller, Bob, Lori is quickly making up ground from the car fiasco. She has completed sweeping of her floor and has pulled out the mop. But her Girls are crying and one boy is driving a car on his sister! It’s chaos in there Bob!
Stacey, after telling her children 5 times to stop fighting, lost her temper with the hair pulling Tornado and smacked his little fingers. That will be a major deduction and she has a lot of ground to make up. She has yet to complete the sweeping portion of this competition. The Tower of Teenager has also continued the Sass, and has been grounded to his room for the duration, but not before Stacey yelled, which is yet another deduction. This is so disappointing Dan.
After pulling ahead, Lori has run into a major road bump. The Twins of Terror have struck. The Twins dumped the contents of an entire toy box on the floor! That is a huge setback and Stacey is taking advantage of the situation. She has completed the sweeping portion and also successfully mopped the front portion of the floor! There is still plenty of time, though Dan. You never know what will happen. Stacey has employed the Temperamental Tween who is proving to be quite the asset. She is keeping the children off the wet floor and entertained.
Lori isn’t doing too shabby either and after strapping the Twins into their seats, she is quickly making up ground! She has nearly caught up with Stacey who is trying to stay on task while repeatedly begging 3 year old Sassafrass to stay off the wet floor. Despite the chaos, it’s gonna be a close one, Bob.
They are both approaching the finish line. A couple more swipes of the mop for both Moms, but it seems that it is Stacey who gets that last swipe in just seconds before Lori! That age and maturity has really shown through in this event for her! And Stacey takes the Gold medal with Lori finishing .07 seconds behind. Such a close race Dan!
Yeah, I always win the gold.