Experience
2012
The pain I experienced in my left foot was overwhelming and I had to force myself to run 100 yards, then 200. An intense desire to finish what I started began to replace the shooting pain. I let gravity propel me down the hill but I soon possessed only the will to continue forward, my body nearly devastated. As I approached the end of my race, tears sprang to my eyes while a mixture of intense relief and pride overcame me to the point that I couldn’t breathe. Doubled over, I heard encouragement from a stranger and then I crossed that finish line.
Today’s post was inspired by a writing prompt but completely true to the experience of running my last leg of the Ragnar Relay last week.
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For Friday, a short challenge. Below are three fairly generic passive phrases. Your goal is to make them active in a short scene, either fiction or non-fiction. You can choose one, two, or all three to play with, but you only have 100 words.
[he/she/I] was devastated by [...]
[feeling] was experienced by [...]
[person/thing] was possessed by [...]
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Yay for you! The piece…and the accomplishment.
Sue´s last [type] ..Three’s Company at The Home Depot
I’m exhausted just reading this! Though if I were actually to run it, I’d fall off way before that finish line..:)
Love! Ragnar is a TOUGH one. Well done you. I love writing about running!
My concrit would be on this like here: “pain began to ease and was replaced by the intense desire to finish what I started” – “pain…was replaced by…desire” is passive!
Try: “to run 100 yards, then 200. An intense desire to finish what I started began to replace the pain.”
Excellent way to capture the pain and exhilaration of a run!
barbara @ de rebus´s last [type] ..heavy
Man! I didn’t catch that when I edited. Active and passive voice are seriously so hard for me! Thanks for the concrit! I love writing about running.
Good job on the prompt and congratulations for crossing the finish line.
Tessa´s last [type] ..Writing Prompt – WOE – June 22, 2012 – “passive vs active voice”
Hi stacey, thanks for your comment on my post. Though “was experiencing” is indeed active; the subject is still performing the action (i.e. my old woman protagonist). She is not being acted UPON which would make it the passive. I did not write “loneliness was experienced by…” That would have been the passive construction.
sandra tyler´s last [type] ..Writing On Edge: The Experience
Makes sense, my mistake. I need to read more carefully next time. The baby was obviously too distracting this morning. I really did enjoy your description. It made me hope that I won’t be that lonely when I am old. That’s probably one of my worst fears. Thanks so much for stopping by.
This is great! It is hard to capture an experience in only 100 words, but I felt like I was right there with you. Great job on the post and crossing that finish line!!
Ouch! That is an accomplishment to finish a race while in pain. Nice job with the active voice description as well!
Wisper´s last [type] ..No Passive Voices!
Your active voice is powerful and driving. The last part of the post was your strongest! Very well done!
shelton keys dunning´s last [type] ..Write On Edge: Short & Active Challenge
I’m a wimp–when running gets bad I just walk. Go you!