How to sew stuff
I don’t really sew. I don’t. Really. Ok, so I have been sewing stuff. I swear it’s a temporary hobby. It takes up too much space, I’m not very good at it, and cursing is often involved. It’s not pretty. But since I have recently taken on some sewing projects, I thought I’d give ya’ll a step by step “how-to” type thingy majigger. (What? Majigger is totally a word. It’s like McJagger, only not.)
Step 1: Find a project on Pinterest that looks easy.
Step 2: Find a tape measure and measure all the girls in your house.
Step 3: Watch girls get all excited and think “Crap, I hope they don’t expect it to actually look good.”
Step 4: Read directions 5 or 6 times.
Step 5: Follow directions.
Step 6: Cut the material wrong, then sew it back together all the while repeating, “It’s ok, no one will notice.”
Step 7: Hem skirt so that the hem shows on the wrong side of skirt.
Step 8: Spend the next hour unpicking the hem.
Step 9: Curse when toddler who was so excited to wear her skirt, spills tomato sauce on it.
Step 10: Wash skirt and pray it doesn’t unravel.
Step 11: Sew 2 more skirts with baby on your lap.
Step 12: Tell yourself that THIS is why you don’t sew.
Step 13: Breathe a huge sigh of relief when you finish the final hem on the final skirt.
Step 14: Go get a massage to work out the kinks in your back from hunching over your sewing machine all weekend.
Step 15: Tell kids that it won’t hurt your feelings if they don’t want to wear their skirts.
Step 16: Be secretly proud of yourself when they all want to wear them to church anyway.
Step 17: Warn people not to look too closely at the skirts. If they know anything about sewing, it might hurt their eyes.
Step 18: Pack away sewing machine and declare that maybe next year you will try again.
But look! See how pretty! And I totally did it all by myself.
*Disclaimer* No one was hurt during this display of homemaking and all children scarred by the event will be provided with the necessary therapy upon the completion of their respective childhoods.