Comments on: The Chocolate Devil

By: Kelly

Kelly — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 23:33:51 +0000

Wow! So much in such few words! Really, really good.

Athletes have such a love/hate relationship with that stupid scale…and when the coach has a say, it’s even worse.

I thought this was very well written!

By: Tanya Tringali

Tanya Tringali — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 10:39:09 +0000

This piece was superb. I felt an immediate connection with the girl because of your words. Knowing that this story is all to real for so many young women makes it extra powerful. Great job-

By: Miri

Miri — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 00:10:06 +0000

I struggled with an eating disorder in high school. This really brought me back.

“A bright red 98 glared up at her. She let out her breath and sighed deeply. Her coach would not be happy, but if she got up extra early she could get in a three mile run before school. She just had to make sure her mother didn’t catch her, or she’d never hear the end of it.” – I totally got this.

By: Ilana

Ilana — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 00:46:43 +0000

This was really good. I was with the girl every step of the way and I love that she felt angry at her mother when she enjoyed the doughnut. It speaks to all the mixed emotions goingon with someone in her situation— the pressure to perform from her coach, the need to be happy for her mother, the need to look perfect for herself, the anger that her life is not her own. I love how you made her reasons for her sickness very complex and layered. It is often not a simple thing.

By: Jack@TheJackB

Jack@TheJackB — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 00:45:14 +0000

Good headline- it fit the story. I especially liked this section:

She saw her mother’s eyes light up and knew that she’d made the right choice. It would be worth the three mile run in the morning just to see her mother smile like that. It seemed like hardly anything made her smile anymore.

It helped to establish the tone and relationship between them.

By: Sauco

Sauco — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 22:31:16 +0000

Wow!!Great piece of writing.

By: Kir

Kir — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 16:01:11 +0000

I have to agree wtih Sonora, I’ve never had an eating disorder and for that I am extremely lucky. I would like to look better, but I also don’t hate the donuts.
Plus I am that mom, the one that would enjoy that donut.

this line:
She entered the kitchen just in time to watch her mother run her finger across the chocolate and sprinkle glaze. An unexplained anger boiled up inside of her and nearly exploded as she watched her mother licked her finger clean.

said everything about how she was pushing herself, that she is angry , even jealous of her mom being able to eat that donut. Great imagery.

By: Sonora

Sonora — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 13:52:23 +0000

You gave us a very brief, but telling view into hers and her mother’s lives. As a mother, my worst fear is that my daughter would go through something like this and not tell me. I know as a daughter there have been plenty of things I have gone through without telling anyone. I thought you did a great job.
The only thing I would change would be combining these two sentences so they flow better. “Its chocolate glaze dripped slowly over the side. Chocolate sprinkles clung to the top for dear life” to
“Its chocolate glaze dripped slowly over the side, while chocolate sprinkles clung to the top for dear life.” Majorly nitpicky opinion there, but its the only concrit I have.

By: Lula Lola

Lula Lola — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 13:37:53 +0000

Wow! Makes me want to hear her story and her mom’s. Very good writing!

By: Galit Breen

Galit Breen — Fri, 25 Mar 2011 12:40:21 +0000

This poor girl! I really felt for her the whole way through.

The pressure, the self talk, the anger.

I loved how much you showed with so few words. And you definitely drew me in: I want to know more!

This part: “The calories in that one succulent taste would put her even further over her limit. She would have to work an extra hour on the treadmill tomorrow morning for the damage already done by the donut’s two siblings.” really struck me because it gave so much insight into her story.