Dear Medical Assistant,
I would like to give you some tips and pointers on appropriate phone behavior. I could tell when I spoke with you that you are young and likely have no children of your own. Here are some things to keep in mind next time you speak with a worried mother:
1. Not all mom’s are spastic, worry-wort, phobic, call-every-time-my-kid-falls-over mom’s. And it doesn’t matter if they are. Your job is to be our link to the doctor and help us determine what the best course of action is.
2. Don’t patronize me by saying, “If you are concerned, then you can always bring her in.” I wouldn’t call if I wasn’t concerned. (And watch your tone, young lady.)
3. When you become a mother, you earn a bachelor’s in Google medicine, so don’t give me the pat answers I read on the internet. I’m calling because Google didn’t answer my questions.
4. I am calling about one of the most precious things in my life. It would be nice if you at least pretended to care.
5. Bedside manner, work on it.